Mostly a knitting update...

Saturday Night.  There should be no doubt in my mind whether it's November or not.  It's definitely chilly.  I wore my hat and scarf - and heavy winter coat to the store tonight to pick up dinner.  Not quite unbearable, but chilly all the same.  I had to ask myself repeatedly how some folks were walking around without hats or scarves - when did I become so sensitive to cold?  It's a clear night - both sky and road.  The constant flow of traffic and sirens I'm used to has been replaced with clear roads - almost no cars - which I find incredibly soothing; and the sky is crystal clear - the crystal clear you can only experience in Winter... you Northern folks know what I'm talking about.  Start time - 954 PM EST.  The moon is just over the clouds - it's ovaline, waning, and white.

Well, space fans, the months you've waited for that meaty, juicy post have finally come to an end.  September, October, and November have all been incredibly busy - and they're only going to get more crazy before they get less.  In the span of three months, it's hard to pick out the high points - or even what's important, what I think you should hear, or what I'm still processing (and thus you must read about), but it's all a blur.  In a phrase, it's been "all knitting all the time."  Christmas is coming and idiotically I'm thinking I can knit for everyone by then (everyone being everyone I know - I'm committed to thinking I can knit hats for the two men I buy breakfast from every morning and gifts for my dentist by December 25th and do all the other stuff bearing down on me - crazy, right?).  Then again, I may need to abandon that idea entirely given my idiocy. 

You see, my parents are kind of hard to please.  I mean, they've got good jobs and they like the fine things in life.  And, despite the fact that they're flesh and blood, I don't really know them all that well (this is sort of untrue - I know them as well as you can know parents, but surely not as well as you can know best friends or boyfriends).  But I've got this push to feel like I've got to impress them with my knitting, so each year, I pull out the most expensive or intricate thing I can manage to knit for them and that's what they get.  Last year, I knit my mother half a dozen foofy scarves (this didn't cost me much, but I knew she'd love them.  She sees them in The Red Pepper (a store in Essex, CT) priced at 80 bucks a piece - can you believe that?  I ball of Fizz and it's 80 bucks? Anyway, with that frame of mind, six were impressive - and added considerably to her wardrobe).  The year before, I made an Ab Fab for her (I also got a deal on this - so it's not like I paid full price on the yarn or anything).  But anyway, she's especially hard to knit for. So this year, I thought I'd really throw down the gauntlet (don't even ask me what I'll be doing next year for Christmas) and am making her The Tina Shawl from Fiddlesticks.  This is my first Fiddlesticks pattern - surely not my last - these are clear as... well, the patterns are really clear.  And fun.  Here's where I am now (it's been about a month):

I know I know - isn't it funny how lace when it's on the needles just looks like a crumpled mess?  Well, not funny haha, but "You-can't-possibly-see-my-progress" funny.  Just for kicks (and because that Fiddlesticks site doesn't show any detail), here's a picture of my swatch - resting on my coffee maker.

For those that are interested, I purchased the yarn (Misti Alpaca Laceweight) and pattern from Knithappens.net a few months back. Total cost of the project?  Some ridiculous amount of money like 30 bucks - G*D I love lace!  To see some really impressive pictures of this shawl, go see Wendy's Blog.  I think she knit it during an inhale (not that fast, but she didn't finish it pretty quickly).  Me?  I've got a 7 hour train-ride to and from Connecticut next week (plus time otherwise spent bored at home) to work on it, so I'm hoping to have it done by the end of November.  And wouldn't that just make my life so much easier.

This week, I got my copy of A Treasury of Magical Knitting by Cat Bordhi.  Now my good friend Witt has been raving about the mobius adventure for weeks - months even - now and I've been sort of uninterested.  Well, it's not that I'm not interested - it's that I've been really busy.  But, well, I've been sort of depressed and going through some personal troubles (maybe discussed below - I'm kind of talking about knitting first so I can decide later if I want to share), and using Mastercard as a form of therapy.  And, I was on Amazon already - buying The Matrix Reloaded Soundtrack (don't even talk to me about how bummed I am on this one - if you've seen The Matrix Reloaded you might remember the temple dance music - which was mixed super well - and isn't even on the soundtrack!), so I bought a copy of Cat's book... and I'm totally hooked.  The Mobius is really great - and Cat's got a really great creative sense about the entire book.  Take a look at my first try:

Made with Alchemy's Synchonicity (50/50 Wool and Silk), I used two skeins (almost - see below) Montreat Path and part of a ball of Night Sky (it's named something else but can't find the labels) also purchased through knithappens.net and I'm in love with the result - the colors are spectacular and I'm actually surprised I was able to match these two this well.  I'm working on a sister scarf to be included in an art show (Note: This isn't a real art show - we're having one for our staff retreat at work and folks are pressuring me into submitting something - I don't really want to, but I want to get these a$$holes off my back - and this is worth it).

Same colors, as you can see I've just begun adding the Montreat Path, reversed.  I'm thinking of seeing if I can hook up with my sister Jeren (not my real sister, mind you) and we can photograph together with them - you know - in an artsy way.

I'm planning on attending Cat's Magical Mobius Festival next spring in Oregon (it's official - I made a deposit yesterday.  Now I just need to come up with the money).  If you're interested in the Mobius - this looks like it's going to be really amazing - and I've never been to Oregon before - or even seen the Pacific - so I'm really psyched for this.  What attracts me most about it is the opportunity to do basically whatever with my time there.  I'm ready to learn something new, and then have some bit of epiphany about my knitting - and meanwhile design something freaking awesome.  The class is limited to 20, and they're more than half full, so if you're thinking about it, make your deposit!

So yeah, I've been a busy bee knitting-wise.  Thank you all for your kind comments on my review of the Maran book.  I received an email from the family thanking me for my comprehensive and detailed review - that they'd be taking some of my comments to their editorial committee, so I guess I don' good.  Now if I could only organize my thoughts better.  And use less space.

In other news, I've been having a rough time lately.  I mean, being busy is one thing.  And taking advantage of all sorts of great opportunities that are falling into my lap is another - both of these are good, I think.  But, kind of on the outskirts of all this, is that my anxiety attacks are getting worse - and this freaks me out considerably.  I've stopped taking Metro entirely since this one panic attack I had coming back from a party back in October.  I ran down the stairs to catch the train (so my heart was already racing) and when I got on the train, and the panic started (for no apparent reason) I seriously thought I was going into cardiac arrest.  There's something about being on Metro I've never liked, though now - when I see the doors close on the train, and think to myself "I've got no choice but to be on this train for the next 'X' minutes," I start to panic.  I don't even know why really - I just do.  This has translated into elevators recently (though thankfully none of the buildings are much taller than 12 stories - so this doesn't last long) - and cab rides even...

I'm supposed to get on a plane and fly to Santa Fe in two weeks.  I've never really liked flying either, but when I went to LA, I somehow dealt with it.  Same with going to Pittsburgh.  But I'm nervous now - not about flying, but kind of dreading the panic that I might have en route to Santa Fe.  I mean, when I have a panic attack on Metro, I can usually get off the train in - I don't know - 5 minutes.  And knowing that makes it at least bearable.  But knowing I'm stuck on a plane for 2 hours - and then on another one for two hours more... that's not the kind of thing I can get off of when I want to!

Not taking Metro has been considerably costly, let me tell you.  I taught 4 sessions in Alexandria (which were a total blast - I learned a ton teaching my fair isle class - mainly that I'm not the only one who finds Intarsia...er... unfortunate).  At 20 bucks a ride, and riding there and back - you do the math.

I think I'm ready to take a step towards therapy - doing nothing obviously isn't making them get better - which is, on it's own, a financial investment.  Medication is something I've never even considered... the idea of taking something for the rest of my life screws with me too much - and despite wanting to take something that will give me some sort of instant gratification, I'm not sure that's right for me.  My body is a temple!

The whole situation reminds me a bit of being a kid.  I mean, any dentist I visit can tell you I didn't take the best care of my teeth as a kid.  And lately, I haven't been taking really good care of my body.  No yoga in a while, not having a weekend in a month (been teaching and/or taking classes for the past two weeks, and then had houseguests [what kind of idiot am I?  I live in a freaking shoe box and I had houseguests?]), all the pressure at work, and not writing about it... I've been just putting the whole situation off.  So, it's no wonder.

Ultimately, everyone's got their problems.  Despite the fact that having panic attacks makes me feel like I belong on the island of misfit toys, it's all going to be ok.  And besides, a free trip to Santa Fe for a week - staying at some gorgeous spa - for free?  Could I really resist?  Well, I could spend my entire life in my house, never go anywhere, but that wouldn't be any fun, would it?

Time for some zzzzzzs.  Later Kids.

PS If you submitted for the next Menknit, we didn't forget you.  We're making our selections now and you'll get an email from me before Thanksgiving with a list of things I need from you.  MenKnit readers, keep an eye out for the issue the first full week in December - there's some really good stuff in this issue - you'll wish you submitted.  Thinking about something cool for our January deadline?  Send us an email - submit@menknit.net.   

Comments

[Rachel]

Tricky, your knitting commentary and thoughts on life, as always, are a treat. I sympathize with the panic and the anxiety very much -- and especially the committment to not taking medication. Better to deal with what is going on under the surface for a more lasting solution that you are involved in -- it actually helps to curb the panic attacks when you develop a little confidence in your ability to handle them -- which is much easier to say when you aren't having a panic attack. I found a couple of really helpful sources online while I was getting ready to face the need (and expense) of therapy. Feel free to give me an e-mail and I'll send a couple links your way. Just remember, that panic attacks are a very normal response to perceived threats. It is how our bodies were designed to respond in a time where we needed the adrenalin to help us fight or run from physical danger. Unfortunately, the majority of the dangers we face everyday are psychological in nature and therefore we don't need that physical response to deal with them, but you try telling that to several million years of evolution ;) Panic attacks are too much of a normal emotion. Be patient with yourself, fire your internal critic and just keep breathing. And, of course, as you are doing here, keep talking about it -- it takes the stigma away and helps give you some perspective.

[JoVE]

What Rachel said, though sometimes I wonder if some medication can help lessen the symptoms to a point where you can handle them and then work on them. Particularly since now you are having anxiety about having panic attacks. But you know how to do the right thing for you.

As for the flight, take lace. Honest. I find the repetitiveness of the lace very soothing and the need to concentrate takes your mind off other things. And flying involves long stretches of time waiting as well as time in the air. You want to have something to focus on so you aren't experiencing that meta-anxiety. If you are done your mom's shawl, start another.

And speaking of your mom's shawl, if she doesn't love it, disown her. It is beautiful. I knit the Lucy Neatby Faroese Flower Shawl for my mom a couple of years ago and she was overwhelmed. Mom's love that sort of thing. But parents sometimes also just love that you make things for them (yes even now that we are not 7). I made a scarf using the shadow box pattern (found on fuzzy galore) mainly to use up some yarn and then decided to give it to my dad. He loves it. Keeps him warm, but he also thinks the pattern is fascinating.

You also need to treat yourself well. No weekends is not good. No yoga is probably not good either. Find time to recharge your batteries or you won't be any good to anyone. Practice saying 'no'.

[sean]

I forget how much I like reading your stuff! Where do I begin?

Anxiety? Check out: The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook by Edmund J. Bourne, PH.D. It has helped me imensely. The one-liner fix...don't fight the attack, but let it happen, realize what's happening (physically) and with that comes the realization that it will pass...fighting it causes more anxiety and lengthens the attack...

Knitting...silly boy. Be careful you don't hurt yourself. I've got tendonitis in both elbows from over-knitting!

Your lace knitting is beautiful! Just Lovely!

Cable...my cable bill (including high speed cable internet) is 180.00/month. OH it's so hard even writing. But you may have something there. Because I do just plop down in front of the thing...

Can't wait to see the next issue. And if you guys ever need any help with layout, html, etc...feel free to give me a call!

missed you!

[cef]

I've been having panic attacks for the last couple of years too, and they've been getting worse over the last three months. Mine are about money. I start to think about all the bills I haven't paid yet, how much outstanding debt I have, where my paychecks are going...I get myself all worked up. And it sneaks up on me all at once. I'll be at the gas station buying a soda and all of a sudden I'll think "$1.30 for a soda, that really adds up. If I buy one a day I'm spending $40 a month which I could have put toward my electric bill so I stop getting those shutoff notices and oh, I forgot I have one of those notices now, will I get paid in time to take care of it...." It goes on and on and before I know it I'm in full blown panic mode wondering, how did I end up like this? What happened to me? And so on.

I realize there was no advice there, but I will add that I think the Tina shawl is going to be wonderful, I love the neutral color combined with the complicated stitch pattern.