AIDS Fatigue in DC...

Tuesday.  1230.  The sky is grey.  The window across the way is dark (usually there's a cute hetero in there - but he won't look at me or respond to my eye motions).  Below, the HR woman for a local paper is doing her thing.  I've often thought of going down there, you know, to let her know some of her dresses look like furniture prints - but today's not the day.

I am so incredibly bored at work today.  I can't even tell you... but I'll try.  When I get to work in the morning, the first thing I do is go through my Inbox for my personal email (any news thats news-ed over the night).  This is usually about 20 messages - plus spam - and I'm through it in a minute or two ("Trash... Trash... Did he really get married?.... Trash... Trash"). Sometimes (like today) I'll get some really good news and I can't stop thinking about it.  Then, it's off to check the blogs.  I visit some on my Sidebar, some I've bookmarked... read the comments, see if I've pissed anyone off and the like.  Finally, it's to my work Inbox, where it's more reading (I read a few national newspapers, scan local papers for trends, respond to work inquiries and technical assistance, etc) - this takes the most amount of time.  By the end of it, I feel like my mental capacity to be productive is, well, done.  I mean, all that reading - all that processing information - and I'm still thinking about something I read in my email?  It's all too much...  Thus, today, I can't concentrate - and I am soooo bored.  So bored.  So incredibly bored.  Yes, bored.

Over the weekend, there was this great article in the Washington Post about AIDS fatigue in DC and how younger generations are dealing.  To be truthful, I hesitated at first about posting it - and told Joe as much in an email exchange we had about it.  For one thing, I kind of dislike the responses I sometimes get when I post an article about being Gay or difficult Gay trends like crystal meth and AIDS.  What's difficult for me is that I read the comments and see them as being superficial... People say, "Yeah, I get it... here's what I think about it..." and part of me feels like, "No, they don't get it... they need some educating..."  I mean, I'd like to stress that everyone can have an opinion and so on, and it's not fair of me to assume anyone's opinion is bad because it's different from mine or comes from a different place of experience... Anyway, I was hesitant, I told you why I was hesitant, enough excuses (It's my blog, right Matt?)...

Great article in the Post.  There are two main things that resonated with me in it.  The first, is that more and more young gay men are infected with HIV in the DC area than ever.  Now, from the outset, this is a bad thing - people contracting a sometimes life-limiting disease at a young age is tragic. Mortality aside, the story behind the story is that we young guys have a lot of crap to deal with - even without HIV on our heels (the author talks about this in the story a bit).  We can't get married, gay culture teaches us it's bad to form long standing monogamous attachements to other gay guys, we can't have any of the same rights that young hetero couples have in many places, there are all sorts of laws passing in states we thought were friendly but really aren't (*cough* Virginia, Oregon *cough*)... there are a lot of reasons why we develop a bit of self-loathing. Add HIV (and the stigma that comes with it) to the mix and I know I can see myself falling into depression for sure...  Point is, HIV at a young age is bad for all sorts of reasons - physically speaking.  Emotionally and pyschologically speaking, I think it basically sends you to the Land of Misfit Toys in the community, and that, can be an even worse thing in some ways.

(Aside, I feel like I could say a lot more here - but I think it would sound like broad generalizations about the gay community - generalizations that I don't think I could defend later, so I'll hold off.  However, suffice it to say - and this could well be true of any community - if you're different in the gay community (physically damaged, emotionally damaged, sense of personal style, don't smoke Malboro Lights, with a pant size larger than 30", etc), in my experience, uh, the guys aren't really knocking down the door - and psychologically speaking, your ego has a Field Day with this).

The second thing about the article that resonates with me is that Shawn is actively seeking out other gay guys who are poz and reaching out to them... forming a community of their own... a support system... whatever.  HIV or not, this is my biggest bone to pick with the gay community - we can't (and often don't) support each other.  So, to know that someone's out there reaching out to other guys like this, it really comforts me. 

As another aside, I was in Whole Foods last week - it was late (just after MenKnit I think - so like 930).  I'm in line, and this clerk walks over to yell at his manager and he says, "I don't care if this guy is a customer, I WILL NOT take this kind of verbal abuse." and so on.  The customer goes on to explain who the clerk knocked into him, knocked his food down, and then yelled at him for being in the way.  As he's recounting his story, another customer walks over from another line and yells at the manager, "That's not how it happened.  This guy pushed the clerk out of the way, said some derrogatory remark, and then started yelling at him." The guy walked away and I mean that was it, but I remember walking out of Whole Foods smiling - thinking to myself, "Yeah - that was really great the way that guy stood up for the clerk - that he didn't just sit there and watch it unfold, that he, you know, stood up and did something."

I kind of feel the same way about this guy Shawn - I think it's amazing that he's standing up and doing something... especially in conditions where we, as fags, don't always do that for each other. 

So, yeah, I really responded to this article - you should read it and see what you think... For me, I think I've been trying to carefully to choose my words in writing this, so I feel a little out of sorts in trying to craft somesort of neat tie in (ie why this article is important, how I'm feeling now, and so on...), so rather than push myself, I'll take a step back and let all y'all read it, see what you think, and yeah.

P S Knitting commentary to come and pictures from Connecticut, of course (I had a class on Monday night, didn't get home til late, and am way behind on a sweater design that's due in 9 days (man, am I screwed).

Hang in there folks.

Comments

[QueerJoe]

Mostly I sympathize with Josh's struggle to gain self-esteem when he's had no encouragement to do so. When all the roadsigns point outside yourself to find any self worth, it's no wonder it feels like the old feeling of "you can't get there from here."

And what makes it worse, the outside/false solutions to find value in one's self seem so much easier than the concepts of living a life of personal integrity, and building a history of living that says I am someone of value.

I am most encouraged, especially given my impression of many of the gay men I've met in DC, of the selfless work Shawn Henderson is doing. No wonder he has the self-esteem some of us lack.

Thanks again for passing this on. It is more timely than I could possibly express.

[JoVE]

You made some really good points. And you are absolutely right that right now the culture in the US is getting more and more anti-gay which must make it even harder to develop a positive sense of self. But that negative environment also creates an impetus to create something positive. Like Shawn is doing. Like you are doing (with your men's camping thing, Men Knit, and whatnot). Focus on the positive. And Joe's points about the source of real self-esteem is pretty good advice, too. You seem to be going in the right direction. Don't get too discouraged.

[mama-e]

This is a really great post and thanks for the linkto the article.

[Mel]

*sigh* One step forward & two steps back, it seems. It's good to see, though, thta there are still people fighting the good fight and trying to make a difference.

[Sean Dilley]

I'm just amazed that you and I have the exact same flow to our work day. At least you can read blogs at your job--my company blocks nearll all of them, including yours.

Good thoughts on the AIDS article. I worry about younger guys not getting how serious AIDS still is, despite drug cocktails that slow or supress the disease's progression. I was in high school when the "gay plague" made the cover of Newsweek, so I remember the time before AIDS, then the time when it was 100% fatal, and now I see the shift to AIDS being a chronic, though still life-threatening disease. I think it did me good to see the darkest days, because I never lost my fear of it.

On that depressing note, I guess I'll go to work.

Sean

[Stephanie]

The largest Internation AIDS converence ever is being held here in Toronto this week. The big talk this year is about AIDS and women, and much of the same things you're discussing in the context of young gay men are being raised here. Same ideas, that people who spend their whole lives trying to fit into the narrow, difficult role that other people have set out for them, while being denied basic rights (or even the same income level as someone else doing the same job) end up with self esteem and empowerment issues that mean that they won't/can't/ don't know how/ or can't be bothered to protect themselves.

Also in the news, the connection between poverty and AIDS (Hint: there is one) and answering the question about what we should do when a whack of our young workforce requires treatment, (espicially for countries with socialized medecine, this means that some of the people who ar supposed to be driving the system are draining it) but what we, as a civilization should do when whole swathes of HIV positive women aren't able to bear (negative) children and replace themselves.

These principles are being played out significantly in Africa...where in many countries 20% of adults carry the virus, and 75% of all the new infections in persons ages 15 to 24 are in women. 22 Million people with AIDS and little or no access to condoms or drugs, but I digress. (I get passionate about this. AIDS might be a chronic/life threatening disease in our rich Western Hemisphere, but it's still a rapid death sentence everywhere else.)

The point is, now that I've ranted all over the place, that the reasons for infection are multifold, but the fact remains that the link between being marginalized or demeaned and contracting HIV is proved out by the higher rates of infection in people who are gay/female/poor or otherwise unloved by humanity, and that how long you live, should you fall ill is ruled by the same factors.

[Carol]

Thank you for your link to the article and your frank thoughts about it. You have given me a lot to think about.

[Mar]

I was moved by this entry. Who among us hasn't lost someone to this terrible disease? And some of the best and the brightest, to boot. Thank you for writing this.

[Duffy]

Thank you for sharing the article. QueerJoe pointed it out to his readers. I'm glad I saw and read it. I think the malaise is due to our trust in the pharmaceutical industry to make the magic bullets for so many years. It's like the antibiotics that are now failing against the superviruses. When we find out later that there's nothing to stop us from dying, it's like a kick in the gut. "What? We failed?"

I sing with a GLBT mixed voice chorus in Oregon (Confluence). In the Portland area it's pretty gay friendly, but once you're past a certain point it's like walking in Moralityland. Oregon has a reputation for being libertarian, which may not always be socially liberal. That is the attitude the gay community here faces. But once our Republican party is tired of the religious right determining their agenda, things can be turned around. We'll make sure of that.

[micah]

I dig what you're saying. I must say that I think it's a "people" thing though, I've met you and know that you're a good person with a big heart. There are a lot of people who do not open their hearts and minds to their fellow humans.

You've also met me and know that, aide from being nuts, I will talk to anyone. I've recently made it my mission to talk to someone on my bus-ride every night! My bus driver has noticed and thinks it hillarious!! Today, we caused a totally SILENT ride home by talking (the driver and me) the whole way. He's a great guy, he's got a BA, an MA, a barber's license, some sort of computer certification that I don't understand (fixes them!!!), just a great guy.

Do you know why all the white guys on my bus were quiet (it's the D2)? Cause that weird-knitting-guy was talking to the bus-driver! What the hell, we're all people! We all need a pat on the back sometimes, a smile when we're out walking the dog, someone to talk to us during our 8-hour shift driving the bus or answering someone elses phone all day. I think we all need to show a little interest in eachother and when we see something that's not right, speak up; like the guy at the store.